Golden's Empire

Being a mother is constantly living in a state of anxiousness and fear. Knowing that no one will care for or love my child with the same tenderness that I do plagues my mind relentlessly. Its soon time for me to step back into the working world and that means its time for my son to interact with this world as well. Daycare honestly seems like hell. A germ infested, neglected circle for your baby to wait for you. The horror stories of abuse and carelessness. My baby is so sweet and happy, just the idea of someone or something robbing him of that sets me off. They wont pick him up when he needs it, they wont cuddle him during nap time, or hold him when he’s not feeling alright. They wont speak his language or know his mannerisms. I just picture my child crying, crying from not being understood or attended to. Honestly if I had it my way Id stay at home with him forever...This is temporary just until I can be at home with him, just until I can create that life and balance for us.

 Sweet little angel of mine.  Eyes filled with love, so divine. I can’t imagine this life without you (without youuu) You make my heart skip a beat.  Dancing along little feet.  Oh sweet,  Sweet, angel of mine. 

It's crazy how we have the information right at our fingertips yet we stand still in educating ourself on how to be decent human beings. Mental illness has always plagued the black community, I mean how could it not? But even with acknowledging the traumatizing circumstances we've been given it's as though mental illness is that of the devil. You can eat, sleep and pray it away. If you lift enough weights, get enough hobbies it'll all disappear. I knew it was going to happen, I feared it my entire pregnancy. I knew that when all was said and done that I would be challenged with being a mom and holding myself together mentally in a way that others would'nt understand, be sensitive to, or take seriously. My grandmother (super religious by the way) looks at postpartum as a failure, a sign you're unfit. My sisters have no kids and of course their most supportive answer is therapy. And the only person I've been able to be fully partcially transparent about ...

Oh what a time it has been. Oh what an adventure and chaos I've stirred up. The years that have passed and this little blog of mine is still hanging on. People out there somewhere are reading my thoughts and endulging in my words. You know I've felt like a piece of me was missing, like something wasn't quite right. I've been failing myself time and time again. I've tried to search for what is it that will bring me success(?) What will lead to happiness so that I dont feel so empty and forgotten all the time...but who am I kidding? I'm not forgettable...and maybe thats worse? Maybe thats where the pressure comes from because people who meet and have grown to love you are so confused...confused about what you're doing, where you're going? How much longer will you stand still in your own puddle of talent. Im a mother now, and I love it, tbh I never thought motherhood would be something I'd actually choose in this life. But I'm here and I've sp...