TRAUMA
I haven’t written, made a video, or posted a picture for months....because I’m sad.
My anxiety attacks have increased over the past year. I don’t talk to anyone about them because to be honest there’s a part of me that’s a bit ashamed that these things happen. I’m suppose to be happy.
People usually say just “control” them or seek God, as if my bodies natural reaction to trauma is a sin. Honestly in those moments your body nor brain belong to you. You lose touch. You become empty, and every ounce of air that was circulating in you disappears. Nothing else matters because you’re trying to save yourself, you’re trying not to die.
At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I was told to be placed on meds but something about medications just seemed like it would do more damage than good. I often wonder what kind of person would I had been/become if we went for it. If I would have become addicted, controlled...happier?
Anyway throughout the years I’ve just developed patterns like any other person. I figure out what works for me, what order to do things in, what to avoid, the necessities and yes I pray. I've gotten so good at acknowledging (and ignoring) my triggers that I know beforehand what situations may cause my discomfort. I've even gone as far to let those I’m dating know that I do things a certain way and you can't change it...I react different and move different I guess, tbh I’m not really sure how to explain it all, sometimes it just works out in my head.
My last anxiety attack was the worst. If we’re being honest I’ve lost it...I've lost touch...control. They’ve been so bad and so frequent I’m having trouble resetting. This time I thought I was going to die or at least slip into a comma. I kept begging and pulling for air but got nothing. As much as I fought to stay awake I couldn’t, it was like everything was working against me, and as tears started rolling down my eyes from complete fear I fell.
When I regained consciousness I wasn’t able to move below my neck. I could still hear myself wailing. I felt broken, I felt like I betrayed myself? Slowly my mobility came back in sections. When I was finally able to fully move everything, even to this day, it hurt. I felt like I was beat up, completely covered in bruises but nothing was there.
Today I feel ill...weak and helpless. It's like walking around empty and hallow. I just want to sleep and wake up like nothing happened, constantly. The days are dragging, and I’ve failed to run out of tears. I cant be touched because I feel like my body isn’t mine, like its so fragile that anyone could break me.
There’s no happy ending here because I’m still working through it, seeking help, and trying to climb out of my own pit of nothingness...so....thanks for reading.
My anxiety attacks have increased over the past year. I don’t talk to anyone about them because to be honest there’s a part of me that’s a bit ashamed that these things happen. I’m suppose to be happy.
People usually say just “control” them or seek God, as if my bodies natural reaction to trauma is a sin. Honestly in those moments your body nor brain belong to you. You lose touch. You become empty, and every ounce of air that was circulating in you disappears. Nothing else matters because you’re trying to save yourself, you’re trying not to die.
At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I was told to be placed on meds but something about medications just seemed like it would do more damage than good. I often wonder what kind of person would I had been/become if we went for it. If I would have become addicted, controlled...happier?
Anyway throughout the years I’ve just developed patterns like any other person. I figure out what works for me, what order to do things in, what to avoid, the necessities and yes I pray. I've gotten so good at acknowledging (and ignoring) my triggers that I know beforehand what situations may cause my discomfort. I've even gone as far to let those I’m dating know that I do things a certain way and you can't change it...I react different and move different I guess, tbh I’m not really sure how to explain it all, sometimes it just works out in my head.
My last anxiety attack was the worst. If we’re being honest I’ve lost it...I've lost touch...control. They’ve been so bad and so frequent I’m having trouble resetting. This time I thought I was going to die or at least slip into a comma. I kept begging and pulling for air but got nothing. As much as I fought to stay awake I couldn’t, it was like everything was working against me, and as tears started rolling down my eyes from complete fear I fell.
When I regained consciousness I wasn’t able to move below my neck. I could still hear myself wailing. I felt broken, I felt like I betrayed myself? Slowly my mobility came back in sections. When I was finally able to fully move everything, even to this day, it hurt. I felt like I was beat up, completely covered in bruises but nothing was there.
Today I feel ill...weak and helpless. It's like walking around empty and hallow. I just want to sleep and wake up like nothing happened, constantly. The days are dragging, and I’ve failed to run out of tears. I cant be touched because I feel like my body isn’t mine, like its so fragile that anyone could break me.
There’s no happy ending here because I’m still working through it, seeking help, and trying to climb out of my own pit of nothingness...so....thanks for reading.