Golden's Empire

I call this season of my dating life The Purge. Being forced into letting people go that I was holding onto for dear life. Discovering my worth, no longer questioning what I deserve, never accepting less, only welcoming peace, I call this shit The Purge.  Being intentional, I called you because I wanted to.  Things like I want to see you.  I miss you.  I’m only here to fuck you.  You’re not worth my time. Intentional.  It’s working. 

 Years ago I use to seek apologies from the people that hurt me. I use to fight tooth and nail for some glimpse of acknowledgment, some spark of regret that stemmed from the pain they caused. I use to explain over and over and over why I feel the way that I do. I use to think satisfaction came attached to a “Sorry” until I realized that the apology was never for me. The other day you told me sorry…but that wasn’t for me. That was for you, somehow someway you feel that if you apologized to me it’ll make you a better person. That somehow someway you saying sorry would lessen the blow of all the hurtful things you did to me in confidence. For you, sorry was to ease your conscience. You knew that it would be meaningless to me because the depth in which you hurt me would never be outweighed by an apology.  That sorry was for you. And if it’s one thing I’ve learned in this life is that I don’t need apologies, acknowledgments or closure to move on. So no, I don’t accept your apology....

 I fell down the rabbit whole of feeling engulfed by my feelings for you. I thought I’d be ok, I hoped I’d be ok. But the recurring ache I’ve felt in my heart time and time again for you has come back home.  The past few weeks Ive been questioning myself romantically. Is my love enough for someone to do right by me? Is my love enough for someone to feel at home with me? And the most taxing question is am I good at communicating the depth of my love?…I fell down the rabbit whole.  I sent that last question to the lovers Ive known best, all experiences different, all time frames different, yet they all had the same answer. I make them feel like I’ll be here “forever” and if by any chance it ended they know that our love would be strong enough to reconnect us down the line.  All different men, yet the same answer… I reconnected with you at a time I needed love the most. I needed security, I needed warmth and I needed to know that this softness that is buried in me under...

 I’ve spent the last 13 months with my little one latched on to me.  Recently breastfeeding started to feel demanding. Which was strange for me considering I just always thought it was my duty/privilege. It was an internal battle of wanting my body back and my body not being able to keep up. So I started exclusively feeding at night.  After about two months of this my well rain dry. It was sudden and unexpected. I thought I had more time…or maybe more control? Anyway we woke up for our usual 3am feeding and it was difficult. No one talks about the overwhelming sadness you and your little share at the end of such a nurturing journey. Or the how heart wrenching it is watching your little one be confused about why they no longer can receive that same comfort from your body. No one talks about how for a split second when your body stops or doesn’t do what you feel it ‘naturally should” you feel unfit, misplaced and perplexed.  Our transition to formula went smoother than...

I’m in my season of furthering my journey on becoming “love” I am in my season of allowing myself to maneuver continuously from a place of compassion, understanding, and respect. It’s easy stepping outside yourself to understand the perspectives of others. It’s easy to be compassionate and provide a safe place for others.  The hard part comes in being vulnerable. And when I speak about vulnerability I mean outside of the level of openness that relatability requires.  I’m speaking on being vulnerable to the extent where what you get back is completely out of your control.  What comes with vulnerability is the possibility of rejection. It’s the rejection in knowing that the response to my vulnerability could/could not line up with my intent or desire. However I also know that being love means accepting, gracefully, when it is not reciprocated. There are two types of people, those who naturally give and those who are fixated on receiving. The intent it is to give without the...

 Last night I reflected on a friendship I once had.  It was a friendship of genuine love, forgiveness and spirituality. I held a space for someone I knew needed my best self. We grew without judgement, we loved with boundaries, and made unspoken promises that were always kept. He entered my life during a very vital transition. I completely changed myself and our friendship fit perfectly into the life I was creating. When we hung out it was always refreshing and something worth of substance even in silence. We prayed together, we pushed our bodies to new extremes, and we challenged each other. He was the image of health, happiness and care for me and I admired that. We never had a dull moment, we laughed, we cried, we had the perfect friendship.  Eventually things slowed down, which, to me in adult relationships was natural. We didn’t talk all the time anymore, we hung out less, and time, work and life just changed us…which was fine.  After a few months things took a ...