Reflection of friendship
Last night I reflected on a friendship I once had.
It was a friendship of genuine love, forgiveness and spirituality. I held a space for someone I knew needed my best self. We grew without judgement, we loved with boundaries, and made unspoken promises that were always kept. He entered my life during a very vital transition. I completely changed myself and our friendship fit perfectly into the life I was creating. When we hung out it was always refreshing and something worth of substance even in silence. We prayed together, we pushed our bodies to new extremes, and we challenged each other. He was the image of health, happiness and care for me and I admired that. We never had a dull moment, we laughed, we cried, we had the perfect friendship.
Eventually things slowed down, which, to me in adult relationships was natural. We didn’t talk all the time anymore, we hung out less, and time, work and life just changed us…which was fine.
After a few months things took a turn for the worst, I thought I lost him. I can still feel the overwhelming amount of anxiety that took over me. It was the fear of not knowing, the fear of losing someone so genuine, the mourning of such a connection that filled me with sadness. After a while of worry prayers were answered and he was back. Stories circulated about what happened but I paid them no mind, that wasn’t my focus, nor did I want to reflect on such negativity. I reached out when I could, reminded him that he had a friend and I just waited. In these spaces waiting makes you even more anxious, it makes your mind travel all over and it forces you (cripplingly) to accept the things you can not control.
Eventually he reached out and I dropped everything. I needed to see him.
He was different now (expected) but he felt the same. It was my time to show up for him in a way life just called for, and naturally I did. I helped him heal, I gave him love and kindness, I was an open ear and he was an open book. I never asked what happened, never looked for answers because they didn’t matter. Of course there was the air of sadness, confusion and shame but our connection never waved. It was as strong as ever and I gave and gave because I was his safe space and he needed that. I loved him through this dark time even when his darkness left me drained and brought me to tears.
Eventually I moved to another state and our friendship had to maneuver though the distance, but it was fine, it was life. I watched him become his version of 100% I watched him explore, shift, and grow from a distance. I made sure to encourage him, and he did the same for me.
After about a year or so we saw each other again…but, again, it was different now.
Things felt empty, confusing and out of touch. We were two completely different people and I didn’t account for how distance in the physical resulted in distance in the spiritual. I didn’t know who I was looking at or sharing space with, I didn’t recognize that hug, that sent, or his voice. I was lost…I was uncomfortable. We shared a few awkward moments and a space of which I thought was suppose to be old friends reconnecting was different for him. The love I gave grew into a desire for romance and that was something I was unable to give. This changed us. It was like everything became numb and we left with little to no resolve or desire to continue our friendship.
I mourned it for awhile.
I guess that good thing is that you realize that some people, experiences, and versions of love are called for in this life to evoke and bring things out of you. You realize how refreshing genuine and natural connections can be and how love can show up in many forms. You pride yourself for having something so authentic. I guess I mourned the idea that our love was no longer unconditional and was changed by only one of the two factors that could change it, us. I still love, support, and encourage but from a distance.