Golden's Empire

 Today is my little ones birthday. It’s always a joy watching him respond to things for the first time, he had no clue what was going on but I know he felt more loved than ever. The calls, gifts, singing and cake had him filled joy.  There’s a certain level of luck that comes with motherhood. You’re lucky to have made it this far with another life, you’re lucky to have made it this far with your new self, and you’re lucky enough to do it with grace. One year of motherhood, one year of struggle,  One year of unconditional love One year of surprises  One year of anxiety  Getting things wrong  Getting things right  Being selfless all while being selfish  And one year of becoming you. This year has stripped and sharpened me for the better. I’m still very confused but also very confident in who motherhood is pushing me to be. 

 Forgiveness has been difficult for me. It’s easy to forgive the things that don’t rearrange your life or add or take away value, its harder to forgive that that weighs on the heart. I guess Ive been so focused on trying to forgive the wrongs of others that I forget to remind myself what that forgiveness looks like for me. I forgive myself for selling myself short  I forgive you for not believing your talents  I forgive you for negotiating your value  I forgive you for lingering in hurt  I forgive you for not allowing yourself to be loved properly  I forgive your for not loving properly  I forgive you for being angry  I forgive you for your actions in depression  I forgive you for your lack of love  I free you, myself, from hurt, pain and sadness, I free you from limitations and not moving in love. I free you from the bare minimum. You deserve more, in this life and the next, I free you from accepting less. 

Today was my first day without you, No words said, no feelings exchanged, just silence and the ever ringing thoughts in my mind about what went wrong. I hate that I am a prisoner to my feelings for you  That the thoughts of how we exchanged hurt and the way it all played out constantly dances in my mind  I so badly wanted this to be it, that engagement to be real, your actions to be love and your words egoless I so badly wanted to feel soft safe and protected  I wanted what I should not have had, oh love how you exist in the saddest places 

I use to love you so much that when it rained it felt like a holiday I’d get to lay in bed with you just a little longer  Start our mornings a little later Walk to work a little closer  Kiss you a little slower It felt like time froze And our love became the center of the world