Golden's Empire

 Today is my little ones birthday. It’s always a joy watching him respond to things for the first time, he had no clue what was going on but I know he felt more loved than ever. The calls, gifts, singing and cake had him filled joy.  There’s a certain level of luck that comes with motherhood. You’re lucky to have made it this far with another life, you’re lucky to have made it this far with your new self, and you’re lucky enough to do it with grace. One year of motherhood, one year of struggle,  One year of unconditional love One year of surprises  One year of anxiety  Getting things wrong  Getting things right  Being selfless all while being selfish  And one year of becoming you. This year has stripped and sharpened me for the better. I’m still very confused but also very confident in who motherhood is pushing me to be. 

 Forgiveness has been difficult for me. It’s easy to forgive the things that don’t rearrange your life or add or take away value, its harder to forgive that that weighs on the heart. I guess Ive been so focused on trying to forgive the wrongs of others that I forget to remind myself what that forgiveness looks like for me. I forgive myself for selling myself short  I forgive you for not believing your talents  I forgive you for negotiating your value  I forgive you for lingering in hurt  I forgive you for not allowing yourself to be loved properly  I forgive your for not loving properly  I forgive you for being angry  I forgive you for your actions in depression  I forgive you for your lack of love  I free you, myself, from hurt, pain and sadness, I free you from limitations and not moving in love. I free you from the bare minimum. You deserve more, in this life and the next, I free you from accepting less. 

Today was my first day without you, No words said, no feelings exchanged, just silence and the ever ringing thoughts in my mind about what went wrong. I hate that I am a prisoner to my feelings for you  That the thoughts of how we exchanged hurt and the way it all played out constantly dances in my mind  I so badly wanted this to be it, that engagement to be real, your actions to be love and your words egoless I so badly wanted to feel soft safe and protected  I wanted what I should not have had, oh love how you exist in the saddest places 

I use to love you so much that when it rained it felt like a holiday I’d get to lay in bed with you just a little longer  Start our mornings a little later Walk to work a little closer  Kiss you a little slower It felt like time froze And our love became the center of the world

 My mind has been heavy on creating the life I deserve, what that looks like and how to get there. It’s been heavy on self-care and self-love. Heavy on being in love and being loved properly.  I’m happiest when I’m creating. I use to say years ago that I was a “multifaceted creative” because I did everything. I acted, I painted, I sculpted, I modeled, I photographed…I did it all. I was so free and so fresh that I knew no limits outside of myself. I’m happiest creating because that’s where no one makes the rules or tells me how, no one judges until its done or if I decide to even put it out there and honestly sometimes I just never put it out there. Partially because of insecurity and partially because there was something sacred about my art only being mine.  I think that’s where I went wrong…fear…fear has crippled me with my talents and every time I say I’m going to do it, I’m going to take that jump, make that leap and put myself out there I freeze. I lose the flame and ...

To clear my mind, renew my heart, and cleanse my soul so that I can welcome the very best version of myself.  The past (almost) 2 years of my life has been rough. Emotionally, physically and mentally new and taxing. The old me is gone and honestly I didn’t realize how much of yourself you shed in motherhood. It’s more than just a title its literally your entire makeup that transforms…I don’t know who I am anymore other than what I’ve been…a mother.  So I’m releasing, I’m letting go the fear, the mindset that constantly searching and grabbing at straws, the anxiousness, the self doubt, the depression, I am letting it go because I’m tired. I think its important to tell myself that the move I’m making, the decisions I’ve set on are not a result of failing, or achieving nothing, my decision is a result of finally and wholeheartedly putting myself and my son first. It is the result for putting my mental needs before my physical comfort. It is a result of finally doing what I know i...

 Go where you’re going. You’ve got so much to do! Go where you’re going.  There’s nothing stopping you! It’s your life, its your world, It’s your life its your world, Go where you’re going.

Being a mother is constantly living in a state of anxiousness and fear. Knowing that no one will care for or love my child with the same tenderness that I do plagues my mind relentlessly. Its soon time for me to step back into the working world and that means its time for my son to interact with this world as well. Daycare honestly seems like hell. A germ infested, neglected circle for your baby to wait for you. The horror stories of abuse and carelessness. My baby is so sweet and happy, just the idea of someone or something robbing him of that sets me off. They wont pick him up when he needs it, they wont cuddle him during nap time, or hold him when he’s not feeling alright. They wont speak his language or know his mannerisms. I just picture my child crying, crying from not being understood or attended to. Honestly if I had it my way Id stay at home with him forever...This is temporary just until I can be at home with him, just until I can create that life and balance for us.

 Sweet little angel of mine.  Eyes filled with love, so divine. I can’t imagine this life without you (without youuu) You make my heart skip a beat.  Dancing along little feet.  Oh sweet,  Sweet, angel of mine. 

It's crazy how we have the information right at our fingertips yet we stand still in educating ourself on how to be decent human beings. Mental illness has always plagued the black community, I mean how could it not? But even with acknowledging the traumatizing circumstances we've been given it's as though mental illness is that of the devil. You can eat, sleep and pray it away. If you lift enough weights, get enough hobbies it'll all disappear. I knew it was going to happen, I feared it my entire pregnancy. I knew that when all was said and done that I would be challenged with being a mom and holding myself together mentally in a way that others would'nt understand, be sensitive to, or take seriously. My grandmother (super religious by the way) looks at postpartum as a failure, a sign you're unfit. My sisters have no kids and of course their most supportive answer is therapy. And the only person I've been able to be fully partcially transparent about ...

Oh what a time it has been. Oh what an adventure and chaos I've stirred up. The years that have passed and this little blog of mine is still hanging on. People out there somewhere are reading my thoughts and endulging in my words. You know I've felt like a piece of me was missing, like something wasn't quite right. I've been failing myself time and time again. I've tried to search for what is it that will bring me success(?) What will lead to happiness so that I dont feel so empty and forgotten all the time...but who am I kidding? I'm not forgettable...and maybe thats worse? Maybe thats where the pressure comes from because people who meet and have grown to love you are so confused...confused about what you're doing, where you're going? How much longer will you stand still in your own puddle of talent. Im a mother now, and I love it, tbh I never thought motherhood would be something I'd actually choose in this life. But I'm here and I've sp...